The Daily Observer London Desk: Reporter- Sarah Marshal
A sex and relationship therapist has revealed the signs a relationship might be on the rocks – including partners not having ‘their back’ and not asking them questions.
Lauren Consul, 34, has revealed the five signs a relationship is on the demise – including not maintaining curiosity about your partner and your words and actions not aligning.
She said that some couples can feel like roommates as they “lose curiosity and stop asking questions”.
Lauren said getting stuck in the content during arguments, rather than talking about the deeper underlying meaning of the argument.
She says being unwilling to take responsibility for the argument and assuming you know each other because you’ve been together for a long time can both lead to the breakdown of your relationship.
The expert also said not having your partner’s back can add to the end of a relationship.
She added that you can come back from the brink by showing your partner that you are willing to change and show awareness of the issues in the relationship.
Lauren, from Los Angeles, California, US, said: “The key is coming back and working together as a team to resolve any issue.
“It’s always easy to go apart and a lot harder to come back together.
“It is a lot easier to point the finger at our partner, we are in this cycle together, what you do impacts your partner which then impacts you – behaviours get reinforced.”
Lauren says failing to see your partner’s perspective can cause issues in a relationship – particularly during arguments.
She said: “Two people can experience the same thing but feel completely differently about it. If we get stuck in the ‘right sight’ we are saying one person’s experience is valid and the other is not.
“The best way to overcome this is if we can take a pause and reflect on what we are hearing from our partner and validate them.
“That tells our partner we are listening and what they are saying makes sense – shows we are on the same team.
“The key is coming back and working together as a team to resolve, it is easy to go apart but a lot harder to come back together.”
Lauren says another sign your relationship could be on the rocks is if you and your partner don’t remain curious about each other.
She warns couples can slip into feeling like roommates – as they lose curiosity and stop asking questions.
She said: “When we start dating, we ask lots of questions and are interested in each other, but over time we forgot or start presuming and stop asking our partner questions.
“It is all about continuing to ask questions – how are they feeling? What are they thinking? And what their long-term goals are.”
Lauren said a relationship is about collaboration, understanding and realising you have to work together.
She said: “It is coming together to collaborate and understand what those scenarios mean for each partner.
“A common one I see is that one partner will take the side of their mum or dad or even siblings over their partner and that is really painful for people as it is saying you are not my core family.
“It is that transition of ‘we are in this together’ – it is about coming together and understanding how you are feeling about this and how can we work on this.
“If you get to that, you can collaborate and find a solution to fix the issue.”
Lauren said that you can come back from the brink by showing your partner that you are willing to change and show awareness of the issues in the relationship.
“The first step is awareness but that alone is not enough, we have to have motivation.
“We need to start to recognise how these things are showing up in the relationship and why they are showing up and then we can shift it.”
Lauren’s five signs that may lead to the demise of your relationship
– Stuck in the content during arguments – you’re talking about who did what or who didn’t and who’s right and who’s wrong – rather than talking about the deeper underlying meaning of the argument.
– Not willing to take responsibility for your role in the relationship cycle – you are just saying ‘well if my partner would just change or do this differently, everything would be fine.
– You’re not maintaining curiosity about your partner, you stop asking questions, and you stop inquiring about their dreams or hopes – you just assume you know because you have been together for a long time
– Your words and actions are not consistently aligning – your partner can’t really trust that what you say is inconsistent with what you’re gonna do
– You don’t have your partner’s back – you don’t stand up for them, you don’t support them. You feel like you guys are more fighting each other than fighting the issues or fighting the world as a team.
